A Queer and Pleasant Danger (jmk29) wrote,
A Queer and Pleasant Danger
jmk29

Coming out in the middle

An excerpt from a response I made to a friend who was discussing the difficulties of coming out as "Queer":

***
I share your confusion about the difficulty in coming out as "queer." Actually, I just did with my mother. It's needed to happen for a couple weeks and it finally did. She's thought of me as just "gay" for the past year, but that has not been congruent to my behavior and language so my mom has been very confused as to who I am and what I need from her. Tonight I came out to her as queer (fluidly sexual) and genderqueer as well. She took both very well (and with vodka - that's her way) and said she now understood me better and could better relate now that she actually knew what was going on and what she could do for me. She was even good about the genderqueer thing, surprisingly..."Mom, I'm not really a guy...or a girl." (flashback to my birth: "CONGRATUALTIONS! It's a NEITHER!")
***

My response: Come out as yourself. Attach meaning to an unfamiliar label and make it personal. People get that.


In my experience, just throwing the word "queer" out doesn't work for most people - they don't know what to think. I get a lot of blank stares. "Wait, I thought we weren't allowed to say that word." You gotta make it meaningful.

For me, queer simply means I fall in love with whomever I fall in love with regardless of their sex, gender, or orientation. this doesn't make me pansexual...I still have a pattern of attraction and a very specific "type"...but I definitely don't fit any other label. In this sense, anyone could be queer: fall in love with whomever they fall in love with, but still having a natural attraction pattern. It's the willingness to be surprised by love in an unfamiliar place, the fluidity to explore the potential for something beyond the comfort zone, the openness to actively pursue love even if it's outside my dating box. I like the wiggle room I get with queer. I think we're all queer.
Tags: orientation, queer, the middle
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