I wish I had more of a structure in mind for this post. But I don't.
As summer 2010 crawls into its final month, I look back and see what I've accomplished in the past few months.
BODY MODIFICATION! This summer I've started dyeing my hair in colors (other than just highlights). I've gotten my left ear pierced at the top of the lobe (with plans to get more piercings, yay). I've gotten a tattoo of a Penrose triangle as a genderqueer symbol on my right forearm. I am all for getting another tattoo, but I have to know exactly what and where I want it. No rash decisions there. My best friend can just walk into a tattoo parlor and be like, "Okay, I want such-and-such right here!" after getting spontaneously inspired that morning. Hahaha, love. But definitely not for me. Especially because of that whole teacher thing...ugh more on that later.
Self-discovery. I've done Anytown twice now, and I thought I would be all riled up again. Nope. I came home from Anytown and the world was just as fucked up as it was before I left, so I mostly just felt tired, drained, and resigned. Apparently it's that first time that really gets you - when I came home from Anytown last year I was a hot ass mess. I saw all the systems of oppression at play in my life and in myself and cycled through being excited to change things and feeling terribly depressed and overwhelmed about the whole situation. This time, I just feel tired and a little inspired (re-ignited, slightly), and also like I've learned a little more about myself, specifically my class identity which I hadn't thought about much last year. Up until this past Anytown it was all about gender identity because I have been questioning the shit out of what the hell I am. With questioning my gender identity came the questioning of my sexual orientation. Nowadays, I've found a stable place where I can sit with all that. So now, after this Anytown, I've started thinking a little more about identities that I didn't do much work on last year. With class, I've known that I have a lot of privilege and am currently upper-middle class, but growing up I was not so much...I had a lot less than I do now. I'm really questioning what class is to me. It's a lot of self-work.
I think the most intense bit of self-discovery at this past Anytown was seeing the amount of walls I've thrown up between myself and the world. I fake happiness and fun and glitter and smiles so freaking much that I don't even know how to feel anymore. One thing I do know is that I am really lonely. I am way too standoffish sometimes, and I'm sick of it. I feel like I turn people off; I know I have in the past year, "intense" barely scrapes the surface. I'm looking to mellow out a little bit. Maybe once I've come to love myself, I can actually let someone into my life.
I haven't done SHIT with music. I've worked Anytown, I've gone to several Prides, I've been doing a lot of gender stuff and queer rights and human rights and social justice and feminism...but very little in the way of music education. You know, my college major. The thing I'm set to get a degree in in nine months.
I'm not going to lie, I'm really concerned. I don't think being some run-of-the-mill music teacher is the thing for me. I get knots in my stomach just thinking about it and thinking about everything I've invested in this. I don't regret it. I still love music, I still love playing instruments and being in an ensemble and teaching lessons and all that. I'm just really unsure if I want to do that for the rest of my life. I practiced, REALLY practiced, for the FIRST time since my recital three months ago. Yes - I went three months without really playing my instrument. Is that normal? I guess what's bothering me is how quickly I slip out of music and how reluctant I am to get back in. I suppose it's a balance. I really go for extremes; when I like something, HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LIKE IT AND I'M DOING IT 24/7. That's NOT healthy. I've gotten myself into trouble doing that so much, and I know I need to stop. On the other hand, I have still been writing. I just finished a piece that I really like.
So maybe this is normal. But I still can't see myself as a music teacher anymore. I see myself...I don't even know. I want to be a queer activist or human rights activist or something. Maybe a writer. Idk. We'll see how my last year goes and how my student teaching plays out. I may fall back in love with music education after my student teaching.
I feel a little burned out, in general. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be in control of myself and my environment all the time - what gives me the right? Oh yeah, that white privilege, that male privilege, that elitist attitude, and all that jazz. Owning some shit, right there. I'm really ready to take a backseat for a while and see where that gets me.